On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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