i don't plan on having that self control this summer
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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