We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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