More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
