They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
