Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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