just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
