3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
