i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
