The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
