Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
