Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
