I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
