I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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