Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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