woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
