you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
