I just made out with a guy for $7.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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