We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Randomize
