I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
