Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
