every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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