I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
