OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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