as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
