If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
