What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
