My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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