I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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