Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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