I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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