Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
