You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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