We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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