did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
