naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
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So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
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The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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