Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Randomize
