Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
