Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
why is half of my head shaved?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
