He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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