i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So much rum. So many feels.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
