i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
So here I am, sexting at work.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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