matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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