Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
