hell yes lets make some ravioli
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Blood and glitter go together right?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
