If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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