Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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