Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
