if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
