I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
