I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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