This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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